Inspired Sorrow

      We are headed home from attending a celebration of life for our Nephew Paul who's life ended tragically after he sustained a fall from a third story balcony.  It was held at the University of Washington where Paul played Alto Sax for the Huskies band. There were upwards of 300 people who attended. The band played.  The College Chaplain led the service.  Paul's parents and many young people shared memories of how Paul had touched their lives through his compassion, selflessness, humor and zest for life.  What an amazing young man he was. He had touched so many lives in his brief 22 years on this earth.

     A long car trip has given me much time for reflection on what I experienced yesterday.  I feel compelled to share my heart as I know many of you prayed and walked this journey with me and my family during this tragic time.

     Unfortunately, I did not know the Paul that everyone was speaking of. Besides being "friends" on Facebook I had no real relationship with him. Broken family and disconnection, as well as a lack of extended grace on my part, had allowed years to pass without any contact. For this I have enormous regret and sadness. It was a bit surreal sitting in that chair and listening to others share about this boy now a man that I was supposed to know.  I was so proud to be related to him and so sad I didn't know him all at the same time.

     If there is any silver lining to yesterday's service it was getting to hug my brother Michael and Niece Shelly and extend my love and heart ache in person.  I also got to spend some brief precious moments with my Mamma and Siblings.  God also gave me a beautiful opportunity to reconcile and reconnect with my ex-sister-in-law.  Unfortunately, it was tragic loss that allowed that to happen. But the moment we embraced it was as if all the pain and years of lost connection just melted away in one very emotional moment. Gods love poured out between us. It was a "Holy Moment".

     Gods heart for reconciliation and forgiveness is more evident to me than ever.  His desire for us to extend grace and live in peace is so completely for our benefit. I waisted so much time living in bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness that I missed out on knowing and experiencing relationship with incredibly beautiful and precious people.  This life is just too short and unpredictable to live there anymore!!

     After the service yesterday I left so stirred and moved by the messages that were shared.  I walked out inspired by Paul's life and the legacy that he left in his brief 22 years on this earth. One of Paul's dearest friends shared of how he believed Paul was larger than his mortality. This resonated so profoundly with me and I found such comfort and truth in what he said.  Even now, having not really known Paul, he has touched me, he has inspired me to live a bit differently from this point forward. I will be forever grateful for gift he has given me.

    So to you dear sweet beautiful Nephew, I am so very sorry I did not take the time to be part of your life here on earth.  I look forward to seeing you again someday and making up for the time we lost this side of Heaven.  All my Love, Aunt Nanny

This is a poem inspired by the messages from Paul's life and his memorial yesterday...

Inspired Sorrow                                                       

Love with abandon
Fiercely, as if it was your last day to do so

Carry not the dry bones of the past
Their weight is heavy and their damage vast

Say "I Love You" often and linger as you hug goodbye
For tomorrow has no guarantees, seize the moment, don't let it pass you by

Take time, slow down when making a choice
Consider others and give them a voice

Take time to laugh and make others laugh too
For joy is contagious and helps carry us through

Allow your soul to awaken to the brevity of life
Reconcile, reconnect, let grievances die

Let moments like this one never happen in vein
Let it rock you, and move you and may your life rearrange

To give you perspective and reset your course
 And when you need guidance go straight to The Source

For God is the giver of this precious life
He'll help you and lead you and walk right by your side

                                                  -DeAnna Nellist