Merry Christmas 2015

Ecclesiastes 3 :1-8

There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

    a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

    a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

    a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak, 

    a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

      As I reflect back on 2015 I am reminded of this beautiful section of scripture and how it rang so true in our lives during this last year as our family experienced both “high, highs” and “low, lows”. 

    The year started out, literally on January 2nd with me experiencing debilitating back pain that put me off of work and unable to do much of anything for three months.  This experience stretched and challenged us as a family.  Overall, by the Grace of God, we came out stronger and also discovered that Jeremy is a WAY better cook then I ever was:)

The kids got to "put makeup on me" when I was confined to the recliner:)

     Summer ushered in what would be the “highest high” of the year.  After 10 months of searching and 5 unaccepted offers, God finally lead us to our beautiful “dream home”.  A little log cabin on 5 acres in a small town in the Sierra Foothills. We chose to leave the “suburban lifestyle” for a much more rural existence.  It even comes complete with limited cell and wifi service, no central heat or air and apparently BEARS, according to our neighbors!  We are learning as we go, breaking bones in the process (Jeremy and Lily both broke their arms in the first two months we lived here) and are embracing this adventure with open arms and hearts! Jeremy and I can often be found sitting on our deck, enjoying an adult beverage, taking in the view and being thoroughly overwhelmed by the Grace of God on our lives.  Our home is a gift straight from the Hand of God.  His presence is strong and tangible here. It is a sacred space. Our prayer is that it will be a place where our family and friends will gather for years to come, enjoying each other, breaking bread and experiencing His love and sweet presence.

      Summer may have started out on a high note but ended in the “lowest” point in our year with the tragic loss of our Nephew Paul Cooper.  My Brother Michaels only son lost his life in August at only 22 years of age.  It was our “time to mourn” as we traveled to Seattle to be with my Brother and his family to celebrate the life of this amazing young man.  Please continue to pray for my Brother and his family as they continue to grieve and heal. 

     Fall brought huge changes for the kids.  Lily started 6th grade (technically Junior High) and Zion started Kindergarten.  Both big years and both at brand new schools.  Although God has shown mercy and the transition has gone very smooth, it has not been without many tearful moments of missing friends, family and especially our “old house”.  Apparently, deer hanging out under your bedroom window and climbing trees as far as the eye can see still can’t compete with “walks on the greenbelt” and “going to Aunties house every week”.  Things that both our kids desperately miss:(   But as one of my favorite authors, Rachel Macy Stafford says, “Change is hard, but change is good.”  I am finding both of those sentiments to be very true during this season of our lives.  I am hopeful that in time our kids will see all the possibilities that lie before them and fully embrace them.

    Although school for Lily has come with its challenges it has also come with some incredible achievements.  Lily was invited to join the Advanced Robotics team at her school and they recently participated in the First Lego League competition.  They ended up  earning the “Championship Award” which is the most prestigious award handed out at this competition.  Her team was also chosen to advance to the District Finals after the first of the year.  We are very proud of her and she has seemed to find her “niche” with this group of “Harry Potter loving, self proclaimed “Nerds”.  Lily is an avid reader.  She just finished reading “The Grapes of Wrath” and is currently reading “Gone with the Wind”.  Seriously, Jeremy and I just look at each other in disbelief that this child is “flesh of our flesh” as the most we have read lately is well….…nothing!

Lily and her team "Dumbledores Army" celebrating their win

     Zion LOVES Kindergarten and is known as the “artist” in the class by many of his peers:)  He is so creative and will spend hours drawing or crafting with pipe cleaners and scotch tape.  He recently lost his top front tooth. He has started to read and our window of “spelling” things we don’t want him to know about is quickly closing.  His latest accomplishment was announced enthusiastically as he exited the bathroom having been in there for a long time….”Guys!  Guys!!  I know how to spell poop!”  “P-O-O-P!!!!”  He was beyond thrilled and I’m sure you can imagine what he was doing while he was figuring it out:)

 A shield 

"Woody"

"A robot standing on the world"

     Jeremy, AKA “Paul Bunyan” is keeping our family warm by supplying a steady stream of fire wood that he has chopped down, hauled and hand split.  Our property has hundreds of Pine and Oak trees, many of which need to be thinned out to provide defensible space to protect against fires.  He is working so hard and seems to be embracing this lifestyle as if he’d lived it for years.  It is a joy to watch him thrive in this environment. 

 "Hillbilly entertainment" eating popcorn and watching J chop wood

 J and his best friend Bryan helping to fill our wood shed for the winter

     I am still working as a Recovery Room Nurse 3 days a week.  On my off days I spend time volunteering in Zi’s class as Art Docent, unpacking (yes still) and spending as much time here on the home front as I possibly can.  I have a hard time leaving this place when I don't absolutely have to.  It is my respite and my soul is refreshed here:) My goals for next year are to grow in the knowledge of this lifestyle.  We are hoping to plant a garden by next summer.  As for now I will live vicariously through my favorite bad ass homesteading hero “Eve” on Alaska the Last Frontier as I sit in my cozy bed and watch her on T.V. :)

     In closing, this year, although mixed with joy and sorrow, has been a pure and precious gift, as is every year we are given.  May all of our eyes be open in the coming year to just how profound this gift is.  May we face each day we are given with gratitude and grace.  May we love well those who are in our lives and those whom are brought across our paths, even if briefly.  The Nellist Family is ever so grateful for your lives and that God has blessed us with having the opportunity to know and love you all.

    Love, Jeremy, DeAnna, Lily & Zion

Inspired Sorrow

      We are headed home from attending a celebration of life for our Nephew Paul who's life ended tragically after he sustained a fall from a third story balcony.  It was held at the University of Washington where Paul played Alto Sax for the Huskies band. There were upwards of 300 people who attended. The band played.  The College Chaplain led the service.  Paul's parents and many young people shared memories of how Paul had touched their lives through his compassion, selflessness, humor and zest for life.  What an amazing young man he was. He had touched so many lives in his brief 22 years on this earth.

     A long car trip has given me much time for reflection on what I experienced yesterday.  I feel compelled to share my heart as I know many of you prayed and walked this journey with me and my family during this tragic time.

     Unfortunately, I did not know the Paul that everyone was speaking of. Besides being "friends" on Facebook I had no real relationship with him. Broken family and disconnection, as well as a lack of extended grace on my part, had allowed years to pass without any contact. For this I have enormous regret and sadness. It was a bit surreal sitting in that chair and listening to others share about this boy now a man that I was supposed to know.  I was so proud to be related to him and so sad I didn't know him all at the same time.

     If there is any silver lining to yesterday's service it was getting to hug my brother Michael and Niece Shelly and extend my love and heart ache in person.  I also got to spend some brief precious moments with my Mamma and Siblings.  God also gave me a beautiful opportunity to reconcile and reconnect with my ex-sister-in-law.  Unfortunately, it was tragic loss that allowed that to happen. But the moment we embraced it was as if all the pain and years of lost connection just melted away in one very emotional moment. Gods love poured out between us. It was a "Holy Moment".

     Gods heart for reconciliation and forgiveness is more evident to me than ever.  His desire for us to extend grace and live in peace is so completely for our benefit. I waisted so much time living in bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness that I missed out on knowing and experiencing relationship with incredibly beautiful and precious people.  This life is just too short and unpredictable to live there anymore!!

     After the service yesterday I left so stirred and moved by the messages that were shared.  I walked out inspired by Paul's life and the legacy that he left in his brief 22 years on this earth. One of Paul's dearest friends shared of how he believed Paul was larger than his mortality. This resonated so profoundly with me and I found such comfort and truth in what he said.  Even now, having not really known Paul, he has touched me, he has inspired me to live a bit differently from this point forward. I will be forever grateful for gift he has given me.

    So to you dear sweet beautiful Nephew, I am so very sorry I did not take the time to be part of your life here on earth.  I look forward to seeing you again someday and making up for the time we lost this side of Heaven.  All my Love, Aunt Nanny

This is a poem inspired by the messages from Paul's life and his memorial yesterday...

Inspired Sorrow                                                       

Love with abandon
Fiercely, as if it was your last day to do so

Carry not the dry bones of the past
Their weight is heavy and their damage vast

Say "I Love You" often and linger as you hug goodbye
For tomorrow has no guarantees, seize the moment, don't let it pass you by

Take time, slow down when making a choice
Consider others and give them a voice

Take time to laugh and make others laugh too
For joy is contagious and helps carry us through

Allow your soul to awaken to the brevity of life
Reconcile, reconnect, let grievances die

Let moments like this one never happen in vein
Let it rock you, and move you and may your life rearrange

To give you perspective and reset your course
 And when you need guidance go straight to The Source

For God is the giver of this precious life
He'll help you and lead you and walk right by your side

                                                  -DeAnna Nellist

   

     

Onward and Upward

    We have been renting now for five years.  We decided late last year to begin the journey towards home ownership again.  Both Jeremy and I are recognizing that we are growing weary of the suburban lifestyle.  We have always been intrigued by a more rural, simple life.  When Jeremy & I were first dating he was saving to buy a small house in the Foothills.  I remember that resonating so completely with where I saw my future self to be.  I recall even back then fantasizing about raising our little hippie babies on some farm somewhere:)  There is a place in both Jeremy and I that longs for a more down to earth existence, free from pretense or "keeping up with the Joneses."  Don't get me wrong the past five years in our suburban neighborhood have proven to be some of the best years in our families lives.  The memories we have created living in a neighborhood filled with friends and family are literally irreplaceable.  But we are feeling called onward and upward.  Well, at least up Highway 80:)

     We have now been searching for a home for the good part of nine months.  We have placed a total of four offers on what we thought were our "dream homes", all of which were outbid or rejected.    Needless to say it has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have wrestled with God more in this last nine months than I think I have my entire life.  I have attempted to master "guarding my heart" when I have fallen in love with a particular property and have failed miserably every single time.  I have been completely surrendered in one moment and then filled with anxiety and worry the next.  

     What makes matters worse is that in August of this year Lily will be entering Junior High and Zion will be entering Kindergarten, both significantly important years.  In hind site I am so grateful God allowed them to complete there schooling with the friends and teachers they currently have.  However, now I feel an urgency that had not previously existed.  I also feel as if we are in complete limbo.  Do we register Zion for soccer? Do we sign Lily up for Middle School band?  What are we thinking?  Maybe it's not the best time to move?  The questions and doubts plague me!  I have officially decided I suck at being in limbo! 

     Just when I didn't think I could feel worse about my parental choices Lily drops an emotional bomb on me tonight.  Up until this point she has let on that she was pretty excited about moving.  What she seemed to miss about life in suburbia she replaced with dreams of owning goats or alpacas. Somehow that has worked this far.

     However, tonight was different, tonight she shared what has really been going through her mind.  She is worried about leaving her friends and especially her Best Friend, Maggie.  She is scared to start over and is worried she will face the same rejection she experienced when changing schools in the second grade.  All very legitimate and understandable worries.  She shared and cried and I comforted and tried to reassure her as best as I could.  All the while never letting on that I was worried about the exact same things for her.  So much in fact that it has robbed my sleep and plagued my dreams.  I put on my best poker face and listened and then offered the only thing I know that has proven itself effective over and over in my life.... and so we prayed.

      It was during prayer that God began to speak very clearly to my own fears and worries by reminding me of a time in my own life that required a risk, a move away from friends and loved ones and a stepping out into the unknown.  He made very clear to me that the little girl laying there in front of me was evidence that the reward far outweighed the risk involved in that choice.  Had I not taken that risk, I may not have the precious family and friends and life that I have now.  Wow God, way to shed some perspective on things!

     That reminder proved to be just as much for my Lily girl as it was for me.  As I shared my story of moving up North and how hard it was to leave my hometown of 27 years and all my precious friends and family, I could literally see the fear and worry lift off of her.  "And guess what my Lily girl!", I shared... "If I never took that risk and trusted that God had a plan for me I would never have had the chance to be your Mommy!"  As you can imagine tears are streaming down both our faces at this point...tears of pure joy!  How amazing is our God!  How awesome are His ways!  "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul!"  Psalm 94:19

     You see,  I have no idea where or when we will find our "dream home."  I have no idea how my children with transition through the change. But if I had any doubts that God is involved in the process and in this choice, tonight fully dispelled them. I am reminded of His Sovereignty in my life and in the life of my family.  I am reminded that His plan has been and always will be "To give us hope and a future".

"Who, then is the man that fears the Lord?"  He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.  He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land"  Psalm 25: 12-13

    

 

     

Why I leave my kids and come to the ocean;)

"There is a you that exists only in Jesus, and that identity is beyond the margins of our other roles." -Jen Hatmaker "Out of the spin cycle" (my devotional this morning)

I feel the closest to the "me" that exists only in Jesus when I am here at the ocean. I feel a connectedness with my creator that is life giving and life affirming. I know who I am here...or at least I am reminded more fully of it.  Yes, I am a wife, Mother, Nurse...but more importantly I am His daughter.  A daughter of The King.  He loves me so much and overwhelms me with that love with each crashing wave.  These waves cleanse my soul.  They wash away the buildup of business and disconnect.  I am made aware again and deeply rooted in who I am in Him and who He is in me.  I come home to my beautiful babies refreshed and renewed to be the Mamma He called me to be❤️

Eyes wide open

Today on my walk I was drawn deeply into worshipping my creator.  I am by nature, a "noticer" and love to give God glory as my eyes fall on His creation.  However, today I felt as if I had fresh vision and eyes to see Him in a new and beautiful way. I took these photos as I walked.  I was struck by the images that brought scripture and refreshment to my soul.  

Everything in my line of vision seemed to point to Him!!

 I am so humbled by what He has sacrificed for me.  I am so in awe of the fact that I have life both here on earth and in my eternal home.  I am so grateful I have hope to see my earthly Dad and my Heavenly Father again someday. 

 Celebrating tomorrow seems somehow different this year.  

He is Risen...He is Risen, indeed!!!

 

Psalm 19: 9-10

The fear of the Lord is pure,

    enduring forever.

The decrees of the Lord are firm,

    and all of them are righteous.

They are more precious than gold,

    than much pure gold;

they are sweeter than honey,

    than honey from the honeycomb.

These Poppies were "standing out in the crowd" of all the other wild flowers

Psalm 4:3

Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;

   the Lord hears when I call to him.

1 Peter 2:6-8

 For in Scripture it says:

“See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him

will never be put to shame.” Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe, “The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone,”and, “A stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall.” They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

This photo didn't capture it but this cloud looked just like an arrow pointing upward!

Isaiah 51:6

Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.

"Shake it Off"

     Lily had entered an essay contest last month at the suggestion of her 5th grade teacher.  It was a contest sponsored by Scholastic & Taylor Swift.  You were supposed to write an essay sharing how you "Shake it off", based on Taylor's newest song release on her 1989 album.  Lily was eager to enter, especially because the first place prize was a trip to New York to meet Taylor and attend her concert.  She is a huge fan to say the least and finished her essay promptly.  Lily brought home the flyer two days before the deadline and after she finished Jeremy even took it to the post office and overnighted it to ensure it was received in time.  In retrospect the "overnighting" and extra expense was carried out only because Lily had received some devastating news about not being chosen for her school play a day or so before.  I also emailed family and friends to ask for prayer for Lily's essay to be considered, even if it was just recognized in some way.  Then we waited.

     As we waited Lily remained very confident.  It was exciting to see her confidence return after being so completely rocked by the recent rejection she experienced with the school play auditions.

     As a parent you have many difficult tasks, one of the biggest being the intricate balance between breathing life and confidence into your children's dreams counterbalanced by aiding them in embracing realistic expectations and goals. It is just a complicated place to be, knowing that if your child is overconfident they run the risk of being severely disappointed more often than not.  So it seems wise to encourage a more level headed approach.   As much as I wanted to balance her confidence with reality I didn't.  I chose to remain just as hopeful and confident.  She needed me to this time.  Plus I actually believed her essay had a chance.

    As I logged on to the Scholastic site today I was literally holding my breath.  The results were in and Lily's name was nowhere to be found.  Oh that sinking feeling in the gut!  I was so sad for my Lily Girl! Immediately I was reminded about an email I had received this morning from a dear friend.  It was meant to encourage me personally with by back issues.  However, God had a wider work to do, reaching out to include my baby girl and the news she would receive today. Perspective on the disappointments, trials and pains of life that are never meant to be circumvented or avoided.

Made Perfect Through Suffering -Streams in the Desert

For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us.—Rom 8:18 NET

I kept for nearly a year the flask-shaped cocoon of an emperor moth. It is very peculiar in its construction. A narrow opening is left in the neck of the flask, through which the perfect insect forces its way, so that a forsaken cocoon is as entire as one still tenanted, no rupture of the interlacing fibers having taken place. The great disproportion between the means of egress and the size of the imprisoned insect makes one wonder how the exit is ever accomplished at all—and it never is without great labor and difficulty. It is supposed that the pressure to which the moth’s body is subjected in passing through such a narrow opening is a provision of nature for forcing the juices into the vessels of the wings, these being less developed at the period of emerging from the chrysalis than they are in other insects.

I happened to witness the first efforts of my prisoned moth to escape from its long confinement. During a whole forenoon, from time to time, I watched it patiently striving and struggling to get out. It never seemed able to get beyond a certain point, and at last my patience was exhausted. Very probably the confining fibers were drier and less elastic than if the cocoon had been left all winter on its native heather, as nature meant it to be. At all events I thought I was wiser and more compassionate than its Maker, and I resolved to give it a helping hand. With the point of my scissors I snipped the confining threads to make the exit just a very little easier, and lo! immediately, and with perfect case, out crawled my moth dragging a huge swollen body and little shrivelled wings. In vain I watched to see that marvelous process of expansion in which these silently and swiftly develop before one’s eyes; and as I traced the exquisite spots and markings of divers colors which were all there in miniature, I longed to see these assume their due proportions and the creature to appear in all its perfect beauty, as it is, in truth, one of the loveliest of its kind. But I looked in vain. My false tenderness had proved its ruin. It never was anything but a stunted abortion, crawling painfully through that brief life which it should have spent flying through the air on rainbow wings. I have thought of it often, often, when watching with pitiful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering, and distress; and I would fain cut short the discipline and give deliverance. Short-sighted man! How know I that one of these pangs or groans could be spared? The far-sighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not weakly shrink from present, transient suffering. Our Father’s love is too true to be weak. Because He loves His children, He chastises them that they may be partakers of His holiness. With this glorious end in view, He spares not for their crying. Made perfect through sufferings, as the Elder Brother was, the sons of God are trained up to obedience and brought to glory through much tribulation. 

     You see it is not my job to "snip the confining threads" to make my children's life a little easier.  Lily has much to learn through these disappointments and trials.  Just as I do!  If I shelter her or make the way easier for her somehow she will never grow into the strong, beautiful person she is destined to be.  My primary responsibility to my children when they are faced with trials is to pray for them and point them in the direction of the only one who can heal their body, mind and spirit.

     As I re-read my Lily's essay, God in His infinite Grace reminds me that she is doing just fine, as am I, as her mamma.  Lily is an amazingly gifted, strong and confident girl and He has great plans for her life.  So, I decide it's time to... "shake this one off:)"

Please enjoy Lily's Essay below...

This is how I "Shake it Off"

By: Lily Nellist, age 10

  All of my life, life has been like carrying a backpack.  In Kindergarten, like everybody, I got a flashy, new, backpack of my own.  In this bag I could carry all of my thoughts and feelings.  At this time, my “backpack” was light with joy and fun.  I had friends.  I had an amazing teacher, and nothing seemed to go wrong.

     First Grade wasn’t much different.  I played with my friends and I was a good student.  I was so care-free and excited.  When my parents told me that in second grade I would have to move schools I barely thought about the negative things.  Getting a new house and going to a new school seemed so exciting.

     Second Grade however, was in my eyes, the worst elementary school grade for me. You know why?  I got my first taste of reality…and bullies.  This was no “she stole my juicy box” or “he broke my crayon,”… this was real.

     The first day at my new school was fine.  I came home same as I always had; happy.  Then came the first day of P.E. and with it came insults and a ton of bricks added to my once light “backpack”.  This kept happening to me, and with each insult and rejection my “backpack” started to get steadily heavier.

     In Third Grade, I barely had any friends.  I began to hate school.  It seemed as though the mean kids were out to get me.  I came home almost everyday crying.

     Fourth Grade started out with another girl bullying me.  One day after school I finally collapsed under all of the weight of fear, sadness and anger. My Mom and Aunt met with me and gave me advice. My Aunt said that the heaviness of my “backpack” represented all my bad feelings.  They said the weight was keeping me from seeing all that was good in my life.  We prayed and my “backpack” was once again as light as a feather.  

    These ups and downs in my life have taught me to talk about my feelings and to make the most of my life. I believe the best way to “Shake things off” is to keep your “backpack” light by talking about your feelings and always looking for the “silver lining”. 

      I discovered a lot about myself in these events.  I learned, number one… always follow “The Golden Rule” even when you are being treated poorly.  Number two, I learned, life’s not fair and people will disappoint you.  Finally, I learned that if you are true to yourself and others, there is nothing you cannot do. I’m Lily Nellist and this is how I “shake things off!”

Interrupted

    I woke up Friday morning, January 2nd from a great nights sleep. We had celebrated New Years day with some friends and worked on creating a motivational poster for our goals and dreams for 2015.  I was ready to start my first “official” day of plans to prepare for “the new me!”  The more organized, healthy, better wife, parent and child of God, me!  Then I rolled over and felt it…..that all too familiar twinge in my lower lumbar spine.  In a matter of a few painful seconds my entire plan became nothing but good intentions.  My back was out and I knew it was bad this time.

     

     So Friday was spent flat on my back the majority of the day.  Relying on Jeremy to take care of the kids needs and tend to me as well.  He brought me coffee and toast in bed and seemed very compassionate and understanding throughout the day.  The kids were helpful as well and spent most of the day entertaining themselves while I laid helpless, hurting, defeated and guilt ridden in bed.  I hated that this day was robbed from me!  I hated that I had such motivation and excitement about the charts, lists and plans I had made and now could do nothing about them.  I had lacked this passion for organization for months and was just feeling it return.  Now the plans would have to wait and I felt as if my “window of opportunity” was slowly fading away as I laid there.

     Saturday morning I woke up even worse than the day before. I was scheduled to work but had to call in sick.  I was discouraged to say the least. Jeremy picked up two prescriptions from the pharmacy for pain control and I began to take them as prescribed.  The kids were taken by some dear friends to do something fun.  This was such a God send since I had spent most of the morning wallowing in mothers guilt.  These were the last few days of Christmas break and my poor kids were forced to spend most of their time on undeserved house arrest with me.  

     I began to experience some relief and by Saturday evening I began feeling somewhat normal.  Sunday I woke up even better and felt as if I was nearing the end of this unfortunate detour to my “New Year-New Me” plan!  Sunday evening I decided to take a short walk and do some stretches.  A routine that has always worked in the past when my back has gone out.  This time…not so much!  Bad plan to say the least!

     So today, Monday, January 5th I woke up much the same as I did Saturday.  Spasms and stiffness spread across my lower back.  I sat up and cried and tried to breath and cried some more!  We were now going on the fourth day and I was more discouraged than ever. Mostly my discouragement lay in the fact that I only have two days left until I return to work.  I only have a day and half left of sick leave and the health of my back is directly associated with my career and the livelihood of my family at this point.  The pressure is on and I am not fairing well under it.

     I had sent out a text the night before and began to receive responses that others were praying for me this morning.  Often times I will send out a prayer request and realize I have not taken much time myself to actually pray over my own needs.  This time was no exception, so I took a slow and steady prayer walk.  This seemed to help my back physically but I felt my spiritual state suffering significantly. My prayers were empty and shallow and my heart felt overwhelmed by anxiety.  Was this where the true pain existed?  Was God using my physical pain to get to get me to pay attention to my spiritual state?  

     

     The answer came very clearly during a prayer time with a friend today.  As she spoke truth to an area of my life I realized that God is using my back pain to expose some pretty unbalanced priorities I have adopted.  Even if my back issues just brought me to that moment, sitting on that chair, praying with those friends.  You see, through this prayer time I recognized that I constantly operate under this repetitive cycle of self reliance-failure-guilt-denial—repeat.  “Self-reliance” being the key word here!  I bear the weight of my families security, happiness, wholeness and provision on my shoulders.  If my husband or children seem unfulfilled, my health is failing, my home is a mess or our finances are lacking I am quick to make a chart or a plan or a schedule to make things better.  I am also quick to give up if I see my efforts are failing.  My guilt and disappointment overcome me and I feel like a complete failure at life and everything I attempt to do. I become overwhelmed and unmotivated and then I check out.  The laundry piles up.  The kids play on their ipads more.  My marriage life and intimacy with my husband takes a back seat.  I choose sleep, social media and food over anything to do with my relationship with Christ or my spiritual wholeness.  

    The main thing I realized is that I alone can NEVER fully fulfill my husband or children's needs.  I alone can NEVER transform my health or maintain my home and finances.  It is not in a diet plan I pinned on pinterest or 10 steps to a more organized life post I saw on Facebook.  It is in surrendering my life and plans to Jesus Christ and His sovereign plan for me and my family.  It is through constant connection and prayer and reading of His Word that I find the truth to combat the lies I believe about myself.  It is in stepping out of my self-reliant lifestyle and placing God where He rightfully belongs in my home and life.  He is the ONLY one who can break the dead end cycle of my life.  He is the only one that can interrupt me through pain in my back to get me to a place of desperate recognition of where I end and He begins!  Oh my God I need you!!  I am NOTHING without you!  Please forgive me and breath life back into me and heal me both physically and spiritually.  I surrender myself and my efforts to YOU and YOU alone. 

"I miss who you were"

  I am writing this down now because it is painfully fresh in my mind and heart.  We just had a huge fight with Lily.  We ended up resolving it with some pretty profound words of revelation spoken by my Lily girl.  She articulated how she feels “left out” of our family.  Although this is not “our first rodeo” and this seems to be a common perception for Lily within our family; today seemed for some reason much more telltale and revealing.  It seemed to reveal a deeper level of understanding of the root problem, a problem in which my response will play a huge part in the solution. 

     Lily is so much more secure in her Dad’s love for her.  She seems so much more insecure of my love for her. Jeremy and Lily have a special bond and he is an incredible father.  During this argument he also was significantly moved by her confessions.  So much so that at one point he was holding her as she was weeping and tears were welling in his eyes.  It was deeply moving to watch but at the same time I felt myself experiencing a longing for those same feelings and connection with my daughter.  I am envious of what they have but yet so completely respect it at the same time.  I know that the security and beauty of their relationship will only help to positively foster future relationships with men in Lily’s life.

     Then it was my turn with Lily and I called her over and as she sat on my lap she buried her face into my neck and continued to cry.  She began to speak through the tears….”Mom, I miss you.”  “I miss who you were!” …..

     Suddenly I felt like I was pierced with a knife through my heart and as it was withdrawn I was completely turned inside out. I felt the deepest sense of exposure and vulnerability and at the same time a sort of validation to a reality I have been living with over the past several months.  You see, I thought to myself, the fact is that I missed me too!!  I have been longing for who I once was to return to me.  But “she” keeps seeming to disappear as “she” fades further and further into the background.

     So the damage was done, the words spoken. I sat there feeling the exposure and as painful as it was, it also felt somewhat liberating.  I liken it to the feeling of having been behind bars and locked away and then suddenly through Lily’s very honest words the pad lock was unlocked.  I sat there free to go but desperately afraid to step out into the unknown, dark, reality of what came next.

     So I drew the courage to ask, to step out, to expose myself to even more….I started with asking, “What specifically is it that you miss my love?” Her response released in me a groan of regret and sorrow that I was unable to hold back as hard as I tried.  I began to weep and repeat over and over, “I’m so very sorry my girl”, “please forgive me?”  I couldn’t justify or make excuses this time.  I knew what she was saying was so very true…

    Through tears, Lily began to answer my questions with specifics.  “You just seem so angry all the time”, “you yell at me and you just don’t want to listen to anything I say.”  “I just want to be with you and you never have time.”  The hits just kept coming….”you used to be more joyful and laugh more, now you seem mad all the time.”  At this point, as you can probably imagine  I was hemorrhaging from the hole in my heart.  But….it was true, every honest, painful word of it and I knew it!

    I read a beautiful blog called “The Hands Free Revolution” and the author, Rachel Macy Stafford says something I have always valued…”The truth hurts and the truth heals.…and brings me back to the parent I want to be.”  I have had other revelations in the past, some specifically related to this blog and it’s inspiration.  I have made attempts at change.  I have had some success.  Though nothing significantly lasting.

     Lately however,  I have been completely unmotivated.  I have been more disengaged from parenting and more engaged in social media than I ever have been in the past.  I have been overwhelmed with life and responsibility and my every growing to do list.  I have allowed my weight to climb and my health to deteriorate.  I would rather sleep than be awake.  My spiritual life is shallow and my prayer life stagnant.  I am angry!  Not sure of why exactly but I am!  Just angry! My anger manifests itself in many forms. It takes on the form of just a subtle current of irritation.  My big toothy smile has been replaced more often than not by a constant “resting bitchy face expression.” This anger also takes the form of apathy.  I am sometimes so overwhelmed by its power that it causes me to almost disengage to a robotic and zombie state of being. It is impulsive and reckless and does not “think before it speaks”.  It lashes out at anyone, anywhere, regardless of others intentions.  My family, obviously  bears the brunt of my anger.  They are the innocent victims of this bubbling undercurrent of darkness that has been flowing through my veins. 

     So what now? Where do I go with the painful yet liberating words spoken by my beautiful 10 year old daughter today?  I am reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, Thirty Weight…”I go down, I still breath!”  I am still breathing, bleeding, but yet still breathing.  I feel as if the gapping wound in my heart has released some of the explosive anger that it housed.  I feel as if healing is at hand.  

     

One of my favorite C.S Lewis quotes is “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I have realized over the years that I am absolutely not alone in my struggles.  I have an intimate, involved God.  I also have many dear friends and family in my life that love me for who I am, warts and all.  But those relationships take work, vulnerability and time investment.  I titled my blog "I thought that no one but myself" because it is through this realization that I have found the freedom to share and be transparent.