"I miss who you were"

  I am writing this down now because it is painfully fresh in my mind and heart.  We just had a huge fight with Lily.  We ended up resolving it with some pretty profound words of revelation spoken by my Lily girl.  She articulated how she feels “left out” of our family.  Although this is not “our first rodeo” and this seems to be a common perception for Lily within our family; today seemed for some reason much more telltale and revealing.  It seemed to reveal a deeper level of understanding of the root problem, a problem in which my response will play a huge part in the solution. 

     Lily is so much more secure in her Dad’s love for her.  She seems so much more insecure of my love for her. Jeremy and Lily have a special bond and he is an incredible father.  During this argument he also was significantly moved by her confessions.  So much so that at one point he was holding her as she was weeping and tears were welling in his eyes.  It was deeply moving to watch but at the same time I felt myself experiencing a longing for those same feelings and connection with my daughter.  I am envious of what they have but yet so completely respect it at the same time.  I know that the security and beauty of their relationship will only help to positively foster future relationships with men in Lily’s life.

     Then it was my turn with Lily and I called her over and as she sat on my lap she buried her face into my neck and continued to cry.  She began to speak through the tears….”Mom, I miss you.”  “I miss who you were!” …..

     Suddenly I felt like I was pierced with a knife through my heart and as it was withdrawn I was completely turned inside out. I felt the deepest sense of exposure and vulnerability and at the same time a sort of validation to a reality I have been living with over the past several months.  You see, I thought to myself, the fact is that I missed me too!!  I have been longing for who I once was to return to me.  But “she” keeps seeming to disappear as “she” fades further and further into the background.

     So the damage was done, the words spoken. I sat there feeling the exposure and as painful as it was, it also felt somewhat liberating.  I liken it to the feeling of having been behind bars and locked away and then suddenly through Lily’s very honest words the pad lock was unlocked.  I sat there free to go but desperately afraid to step out into the unknown, dark, reality of what came next.

     So I drew the courage to ask, to step out, to expose myself to even more….I started with asking, “What specifically is it that you miss my love?” Her response released in me a groan of regret and sorrow that I was unable to hold back as hard as I tried.  I began to weep and repeat over and over, “I’m so very sorry my girl”, “please forgive me?”  I couldn’t justify or make excuses this time.  I knew what she was saying was so very true…

    Through tears, Lily began to answer my questions with specifics.  “You just seem so angry all the time”, “you yell at me and you just don’t want to listen to anything I say.”  “I just want to be with you and you never have time.”  The hits just kept coming….”you used to be more joyful and laugh more, now you seem mad all the time.”  At this point, as you can probably imagine  I was hemorrhaging from the hole in my heart.  But….it was true, every honest, painful word of it and I knew it!

    I read a beautiful blog called “The Hands Free Revolution” and the author, Rachel Macy Stafford says something I have always valued…”The truth hurts and the truth heals.…and brings me back to the parent I want to be.”  I have had other revelations in the past, some specifically related to this blog and it’s inspiration.  I have made attempts at change.  I have had some success.  Though nothing significantly lasting.

     Lately however,  I have been completely unmotivated.  I have been more disengaged from parenting and more engaged in social media than I ever have been in the past.  I have been overwhelmed with life and responsibility and my every growing to do list.  I have allowed my weight to climb and my health to deteriorate.  I would rather sleep than be awake.  My spiritual life is shallow and my prayer life stagnant.  I am angry!  Not sure of why exactly but I am!  Just angry! My anger manifests itself in many forms. It takes on the form of just a subtle current of irritation.  My big toothy smile has been replaced more often than not by a constant “resting bitchy face expression.” This anger also takes the form of apathy.  I am sometimes so overwhelmed by its power that it causes me to almost disengage to a robotic and zombie state of being. It is impulsive and reckless and does not “think before it speaks”.  It lashes out at anyone, anywhere, regardless of others intentions.  My family, obviously  bears the brunt of my anger.  They are the innocent victims of this bubbling undercurrent of darkness that has been flowing through my veins. 

     So what now? Where do I go with the painful yet liberating words spoken by my beautiful 10 year old daughter today?  I am reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, Thirty Weight…”I go down, I still breath!”  I am still breathing, bleeding, but yet still breathing.  I feel as if the gapping wound in my heart has released some of the explosive anger that it housed.  I feel as if healing is at hand.