"Shake it Off"

     Lily had entered an essay contest last month at the suggestion of her 5th grade teacher.  It was a contest sponsored by Scholastic & Taylor Swift.  You were supposed to write an essay sharing how you "Shake it off", based on Taylor's newest song release on her 1989 album.  Lily was eager to enter, especially because the first place prize was a trip to New York to meet Taylor and attend her concert.  She is a huge fan to say the least and finished her essay promptly.  Lily brought home the flyer two days before the deadline and after she finished Jeremy even took it to the post office and overnighted it to ensure it was received in time.  In retrospect the "overnighting" and extra expense was carried out only because Lily had received some devastating news about not being chosen for her school play a day or so before.  I also emailed family and friends to ask for prayer for Lily's essay to be considered, even if it was just recognized in some way.  Then we waited.

     As we waited Lily remained very confident.  It was exciting to see her confidence return after being so completely rocked by the recent rejection she experienced with the school play auditions.

     As a parent you have many difficult tasks, one of the biggest being the intricate balance between breathing life and confidence into your children's dreams counterbalanced by aiding them in embracing realistic expectations and goals. It is just a complicated place to be, knowing that if your child is overconfident they run the risk of being severely disappointed more often than not.  So it seems wise to encourage a more level headed approach.   As much as I wanted to balance her confidence with reality I didn't.  I chose to remain just as hopeful and confident.  She needed me to this time.  Plus I actually believed her essay had a chance.

    As I logged on to the Scholastic site today I was literally holding my breath.  The results were in and Lily's name was nowhere to be found.  Oh that sinking feeling in the gut!  I was so sad for my Lily Girl! Immediately I was reminded about an email I had received this morning from a dear friend.  It was meant to encourage me personally with by back issues.  However, God had a wider work to do, reaching out to include my baby girl and the news she would receive today. Perspective on the disappointments, trials and pains of life that are never meant to be circumvented or avoided.

Made Perfect Through Suffering -Streams in the Desert

For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us.—Rom 8:18 NET

I kept for nearly a year the flask-shaped cocoon of an emperor moth. It is very peculiar in its construction. A narrow opening is left in the neck of the flask, through which the perfect insect forces its way, so that a forsaken cocoon is as entire as one still tenanted, no rupture of the interlacing fibers having taken place. The great disproportion between the means of egress and the size of the imprisoned insect makes one wonder how the exit is ever accomplished at all—and it never is without great labor and difficulty. It is supposed that the pressure to which the moth’s body is subjected in passing through such a narrow opening is a provision of nature for forcing the juices into the vessels of the wings, these being less developed at the period of emerging from the chrysalis than they are in other insects.

I happened to witness the first efforts of my prisoned moth to escape from its long confinement. During a whole forenoon, from time to time, I watched it patiently striving and struggling to get out. It never seemed able to get beyond a certain point, and at last my patience was exhausted. Very probably the confining fibers were drier and less elastic than if the cocoon had been left all winter on its native heather, as nature meant it to be. At all events I thought I was wiser and more compassionate than its Maker, and I resolved to give it a helping hand. With the point of my scissors I snipped the confining threads to make the exit just a very little easier, and lo! immediately, and with perfect case, out crawled my moth dragging a huge swollen body and little shrivelled wings. In vain I watched to see that marvelous process of expansion in which these silently and swiftly develop before one’s eyes; and as I traced the exquisite spots and markings of divers colors which were all there in miniature, I longed to see these assume their due proportions and the creature to appear in all its perfect beauty, as it is, in truth, one of the loveliest of its kind. But I looked in vain. My false tenderness had proved its ruin. It never was anything but a stunted abortion, crawling painfully through that brief life which it should have spent flying through the air on rainbow wings. I have thought of it often, often, when watching with pitiful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering, and distress; and I would fain cut short the discipline and give deliverance. Short-sighted man! How know I that one of these pangs or groans could be spared? The far-sighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not weakly shrink from present, transient suffering. Our Father’s love is too true to be weak. Because He loves His children, He chastises them that they may be partakers of His holiness. With this glorious end in view, He spares not for their crying. Made perfect through sufferings, as the Elder Brother was, the sons of God are trained up to obedience and brought to glory through much tribulation. 

     You see it is not my job to "snip the confining threads" to make my children's life a little easier.  Lily has much to learn through these disappointments and trials.  Just as I do!  If I shelter her or make the way easier for her somehow she will never grow into the strong, beautiful person she is destined to be.  My primary responsibility to my children when they are faced with trials is to pray for them and point them in the direction of the only one who can heal their body, mind and spirit.

     As I re-read my Lily's essay, God in His infinite Grace reminds me that she is doing just fine, as am I, as her mamma.  Lily is an amazingly gifted, strong and confident girl and He has great plans for her life.  So, I decide it's time to... "shake this one off:)"

Please enjoy Lily's Essay below...

This is how I "Shake it Off"

By: Lily Nellist, age 10

  All of my life, life has been like carrying a backpack.  In Kindergarten, like everybody, I got a flashy, new, backpack of my own.  In this bag I could carry all of my thoughts and feelings.  At this time, my “backpack” was light with joy and fun.  I had friends.  I had an amazing teacher, and nothing seemed to go wrong.

     First Grade wasn’t much different.  I played with my friends and I was a good student.  I was so care-free and excited.  When my parents told me that in second grade I would have to move schools I barely thought about the negative things.  Getting a new house and going to a new school seemed so exciting.

     Second Grade however, was in my eyes, the worst elementary school grade for me. You know why?  I got my first taste of reality…and bullies.  This was no “she stole my juicy box” or “he broke my crayon,”… this was real.

     The first day at my new school was fine.  I came home same as I always had; happy.  Then came the first day of P.E. and with it came insults and a ton of bricks added to my once light “backpack”.  This kept happening to me, and with each insult and rejection my “backpack” started to get steadily heavier.

     In Third Grade, I barely had any friends.  I began to hate school.  It seemed as though the mean kids were out to get me.  I came home almost everyday crying.

     Fourth Grade started out with another girl bullying me.  One day after school I finally collapsed under all of the weight of fear, sadness and anger. My Mom and Aunt met with me and gave me advice. My Aunt said that the heaviness of my “backpack” represented all my bad feelings.  They said the weight was keeping me from seeing all that was good in my life.  We prayed and my “backpack” was once again as light as a feather.  

    These ups and downs in my life have taught me to talk about my feelings and to make the most of my life. I believe the best way to “Shake things off” is to keep your “backpack” light by talking about your feelings and always looking for the “silver lining”. 

      I discovered a lot about myself in these events.  I learned, number one… always follow “The Golden Rule” even when you are being treated poorly.  Number two, I learned, life’s not fair and people will disappoint you.  Finally, I learned that if you are true to yourself and others, there is nothing you cannot do. I’m Lily Nellist and this is how I “shake things off!”

Interrupted

    I woke up Friday morning, January 2nd from a great nights sleep. We had celebrated New Years day with some friends and worked on creating a motivational poster for our goals and dreams for 2015.  I was ready to start my first “official” day of plans to prepare for “the new me!”  The more organized, healthy, better wife, parent and child of God, me!  Then I rolled over and felt it…..that all too familiar twinge in my lower lumbar spine.  In a matter of a few painful seconds my entire plan became nothing but good intentions.  My back was out and I knew it was bad this time.

     

     So Friday was spent flat on my back the majority of the day.  Relying on Jeremy to take care of the kids needs and tend to me as well.  He brought me coffee and toast in bed and seemed very compassionate and understanding throughout the day.  The kids were helpful as well and spent most of the day entertaining themselves while I laid helpless, hurting, defeated and guilt ridden in bed.  I hated that this day was robbed from me!  I hated that I had such motivation and excitement about the charts, lists and plans I had made and now could do nothing about them.  I had lacked this passion for organization for months and was just feeling it return.  Now the plans would have to wait and I felt as if my “window of opportunity” was slowly fading away as I laid there.

     Saturday morning I woke up even worse than the day before. I was scheduled to work but had to call in sick.  I was discouraged to say the least. Jeremy picked up two prescriptions from the pharmacy for pain control and I began to take them as prescribed.  The kids were taken by some dear friends to do something fun.  This was such a God send since I had spent most of the morning wallowing in mothers guilt.  These were the last few days of Christmas break and my poor kids were forced to spend most of their time on undeserved house arrest with me.  

     I began to experience some relief and by Saturday evening I began feeling somewhat normal.  Sunday I woke up even better and felt as if I was nearing the end of this unfortunate detour to my “New Year-New Me” plan!  Sunday evening I decided to take a short walk and do some stretches.  A routine that has always worked in the past when my back has gone out.  This time…not so much!  Bad plan to say the least!

     So today, Monday, January 5th I woke up much the same as I did Saturday.  Spasms and stiffness spread across my lower back.  I sat up and cried and tried to breath and cried some more!  We were now going on the fourth day and I was more discouraged than ever. Mostly my discouragement lay in the fact that I only have two days left until I return to work.  I only have a day and half left of sick leave and the health of my back is directly associated with my career and the livelihood of my family at this point.  The pressure is on and I am not fairing well under it.

     I had sent out a text the night before and began to receive responses that others were praying for me this morning.  Often times I will send out a prayer request and realize I have not taken much time myself to actually pray over my own needs.  This time was no exception, so I took a slow and steady prayer walk.  This seemed to help my back physically but I felt my spiritual state suffering significantly. My prayers were empty and shallow and my heart felt overwhelmed by anxiety.  Was this where the true pain existed?  Was God using my physical pain to get to get me to pay attention to my spiritual state?  

     

     The answer came very clearly during a prayer time with a friend today.  As she spoke truth to an area of my life I realized that God is using my back pain to expose some pretty unbalanced priorities I have adopted.  Even if my back issues just brought me to that moment, sitting on that chair, praying with those friends.  You see, through this prayer time I recognized that I constantly operate under this repetitive cycle of self reliance-failure-guilt-denial—repeat.  “Self-reliance” being the key word here!  I bear the weight of my families security, happiness, wholeness and provision on my shoulders.  If my husband or children seem unfulfilled, my health is failing, my home is a mess or our finances are lacking I am quick to make a chart or a plan or a schedule to make things better.  I am also quick to give up if I see my efforts are failing.  My guilt and disappointment overcome me and I feel like a complete failure at life and everything I attempt to do. I become overwhelmed and unmotivated and then I check out.  The laundry piles up.  The kids play on their ipads more.  My marriage life and intimacy with my husband takes a back seat.  I choose sleep, social media and food over anything to do with my relationship with Christ or my spiritual wholeness.  

    The main thing I realized is that I alone can NEVER fully fulfill my husband or children's needs.  I alone can NEVER transform my health or maintain my home and finances.  It is not in a diet plan I pinned on pinterest or 10 steps to a more organized life post I saw on Facebook.  It is in surrendering my life and plans to Jesus Christ and His sovereign plan for me and my family.  It is through constant connection and prayer and reading of His Word that I find the truth to combat the lies I believe about myself.  It is in stepping out of my self-reliant lifestyle and placing God where He rightfully belongs in my home and life.  He is the ONLY one who can break the dead end cycle of my life.  He is the only one that can interrupt me through pain in my back to get me to a place of desperate recognition of where I end and He begins!  Oh my God I need you!!  I am NOTHING without you!  Please forgive me and breath life back into me and heal me both physically and spiritually.  I surrender myself and my efforts to YOU and YOU alone. 

"I miss who you were"

  I am writing this down now because it is painfully fresh in my mind and heart.  We just had a huge fight with Lily.  We ended up resolving it with some pretty profound words of revelation spoken by my Lily girl.  She articulated how she feels “left out” of our family.  Although this is not “our first rodeo” and this seems to be a common perception for Lily within our family; today seemed for some reason much more telltale and revealing.  It seemed to reveal a deeper level of understanding of the root problem, a problem in which my response will play a huge part in the solution. 

     Lily is so much more secure in her Dad’s love for her.  She seems so much more insecure of my love for her. Jeremy and Lily have a special bond and he is an incredible father.  During this argument he also was significantly moved by her confessions.  So much so that at one point he was holding her as she was weeping and tears were welling in his eyes.  It was deeply moving to watch but at the same time I felt myself experiencing a longing for those same feelings and connection with my daughter.  I am envious of what they have but yet so completely respect it at the same time.  I know that the security and beauty of their relationship will only help to positively foster future relationships with men in Lily’s life.

     Then it was my turn with Lily and I called her over and as she sat on my lap she buried her face into my neck and continued to cry.  She began to speak through the tears….”Mom, I miss you.”  “I miss who you were!” …..

     Suddenly I felt like I was pierced with a knife through my heart and as it was withdrawn I was completely turned inside out. I felt the deepest sense of exposure and vulnerability and at the same time a sort of validation to a reality I have been living with over the past several months.  You see, I thought to myself, the fact is that I missed me too!!  I have been longing for who I once was to return to me.  But “she” keeps seeming to disappear as “she” fades further and further into the background.

     So the damage was done, the words spoken. I sat there feeling the exposure and as painful as it was, it also felt somewhat liberating.  I liken it to the feeling of having been behind bars and locked away and then suddenly through Lily’s very honest words the pad lock was unlocked.  I sat there free to go but desperately afraid to step out into the unknown, dark, reality of what came next.

     So I drew the courage to ask, to step out, to expose myself to even more….I started with asking, “What specifically is it that you miss my love?” Her response released in me a groan of regret and sorrow that I was unable to hold back as hard as I tried.  I began to weep and repeat over and over, “I’m so very sorry my girl”, “please forgive me?”  I couldn’t justify or make excuses this time.  I knew what she was saying was so very true…

    Through tears, Lily began to answer my questions with specifics.  “You just seem so angry all the time”, “you yell at me and you just don’t want to listen to anything I say.”  “I just want to be with you and you never have time.”  The hits just kept coming….”you used to be more joyful and laugh more, now you seem mad all the time.”  At this point, as you can probably imagine  I was hemorrhaging from the hole in my heart.  But….it was true, every honest, painful word of it and I knew it!

    I read a beautiful blog called “The Hands Free Revolution” and the author, Rachel Macy Stafford says something I have always valued…”The truth hurts and the truth heals.…and brings me back to the parent I want to be.”  I have had other revelations in the past, some specifically related to this blog and it’s inspiration.  I have made attempts at change.  I have had some success.  Though nothing significantly lasting.

     Lately however,  I have been completely unmotivated.  I have been more disengaged from parenting and more engaged in social media than I ever have been in the past.  I have been overwhelmed with life and responsibility and my every growing to do list.  I have allowed my weight to climb and my health to deteriorate.  I would rather sleep than be awake.  My spiritual life is shallow and my prayer life stagnant.  I am angry!  Not sure of why exactly but I am!  Just angry! My anger manifests itself in many forms. It takes on the form of just a subtle current of irritation.  My big toothy smile has been replaced more often than not by a constant “resting bitchy face expression.” This anger also takes the form of apathy.  I am sometimes so overwhelmed by its power that it causes me to almost disengage to a robotic and zombie state of being. It is impulsive and reckless and does not “think before it speaks”.  It lashes out at anyone, anywhere, regardless of others intentions.  My family, obviously  bears the brunt of my anger.  They are the innocent victims of this bubbling undercurrent of darkness that has been flowing through my veins. 

     So what now? Where do I go with the painful yet liberating words spoken by my beautiful 10 year old daughter today?  I am reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, Thirty Weight…”I go down, I still breath!”  I am still breathing, bleeding, but yet still breathing.  I feel as if the gapping wound in my heart has released some of the explosive anger that it housed.  I feel as if healing is at hand.  

     

One of my favorite C.S Lewis quotes is “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ."”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I have realized over the years that I am absolutely not alone in my struggles.  I have an intimate, involved God.  I also have many dear friends and family in my life that love me for who I am, warts and all.  But those relationships take work, vulnerability and time investment.  I titled my blog "I thought that no one but myself" because it is through this realization that I have found the freedom to share and be transparent.