I woke up Friday morning, January 2nd from a great nights sleep. We had celebrated New Years day with some friends and worked on creating a motivational poster for our goals and dreams for 2015. I was ready to start my first “official” day of plans to prepare for “the new me!” The more organized, healthy, better wife, parent and child of God, me! Then I rolled over and felt it…..that all too familiar twinge in my lower lumbar spine. In a matter of a few painful seconds my entire plan became nothing but good intentions. My back was out and I knew it was bad this time.
So Friday was spent flat on my back the majority of the day. Relying on Jeremy to take care of the kids needs and tend to me as well. He brought me coffee and toast in bed and seemed very compassionate and understanding throughout the day. The kids were helpful as well and spent most of the day entertaining themselves while I laid helpless, hurting, defeated and guilt ridden in bed. I hated that this day was robbed from me! I hated that I had such motivation and excitement about the charts, lists and plans I had made and now could do nothing about them. I had lacked this passion for organization for months and was just feeling it return. Now the plans would have to wait and I felt as if my “window of opportunity” was slowly fading away as I laid there.
Saturday morning I woke up even worse than the day before. I was scheduled to work but had to call in sick. I was discouraged to say the least. Jeremy picked up two prescriptions from the pharmacy for pain control and I began to take them as prescribed. The kids were taken by some dear friends to do something fun. This was such a God send since I had spent most of the morning wallowing in mothers guilt. These were the last few days of Christmas break and my poor kids were forced to spend most of their time on undeserved house arrest with me.
I began to experience some relief and by Saturday evening I began feeling somewhat normal. Sunday I woke up even better and felt as if I was nearing the end of this unfortunate detour to my “New Year-New Me” plan! Sunday evening I decided to take a short walk and do some stretches. A routine that has always worked in the past when my back has gone out. This time…not so much! Bad plan to say the least!
So today, Monday, January 5th I woke up much the same as I did Saturday. Spasms and stiffness spread across my lower back. I sat up and cried and tried to breath and cried some more! We were now going on the fourth day and I was more discouraged than ever. Mostly my discouragement lay in the fact that I only have two days left until I return to work. I only have a day and half left of sick leave and the health of my back is directly associated with my career and the livelihood of my family at this point. The pressure is on and I am not fairing well under it.
I had sent out a text the night before and began to receive responses that others were praying for me this morning. Often times I will send out a prayer request and realize I have not taken much time myself to actually pray over my own needs. This time was no exception, so I took a slow and steady prayer walk. This seemed to help my back physically but I felt my spiritual state suffering significantly. My prayers were empty and shallow and my heart felt overwhelmed by anxiety. Was this where the true pain existed? Was God using my physical pain to get to get me to pay attention to my spiritual state?
The answer came very clearly during a prayer time with a friend today. As she spoke truth to an area of my life I realized that God is using my back pain to expose some pretty unbalanced priorities I have adopted. Even if my back issues just brought me to that moment, sitting on that chair, praying with those friends. You see, through this prayer time I recognized that I constantly operate under this repetitive cycle of self reliance-failure-guilt-denial—repeat. “Self-reliance” being the key word here! I bear the weight of my families security, happiness, wholeness and provision on my shoulders. If my husband or children seem unfulfilled, my health is failing, my home is a mess or our finances are lacking I am quick to make a chart or a plan or a schedule to make things better. I am also quick to give up if I see my efforts are failing. My guilt and disappointment overcome me and I feel like a complete failure at life and everything I attempt to do. I become overwhelmed and unmotivated and then I check out. The laundry piles up. The kids play on their ipads more. My marriage life and intimacy with my husband takes a back seat. I choose sleep, social media and food over anything to do with my relationship with Christ or my spiritual wholeness.
The main thing I realized is that I alone can NEVER fully fulfill my husband or children's needs. I alone can NEVER transform my health or maintain my home and finances. It is not in a diet plan I pinned on pinterest or 10 steps to a more organized life post I saw on Facebook. It is in surrendering my life and plans to Jesus Christ and His sovereign plan for me and my family. It is through constant connection and prayer and reading of His Word that I find the truth to combat the lies I believe about myself. It is in stepping out of my self-reliant lifestyle and placing God where He rightfully belongs in my home and life. He is the ONLY one who can break the dead end cycle of my life. He is the only one that can interrupt me through pain in my back to get me to a place of desperate recognition of where I end and He begins! Oh my God I need you!! I am NOTHING without you! Please forgive me and breath life back into me and heal me both physically and spiritually. I surrender myself and my efforts to YOU and YOU alone.
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